It started out exciting. New love. New possibility. Things were fun and care free. Things became comfortable. We could do anything, or be anybody we wanted to be; things were safe.
Then, as I turned undeniably head over heels in love, things changed. Suddenly, I wasn't good enough. Suddenly, I was hung up on and thrown out, and left for the highways. Suddenly, "I'm sorry" were the only words I knew. I kept promising that I'd be better but I never really understood what it was I was doing wrong. No one else did either. In this intensive, prolonged time everyone left me. My friends wanted nothing to do with me. My family were estranged at best and I tried to block out every negative thing they said about my relationship because they just didn't understand. The truth is, I didn't understand either. I tried to look past every fight, every put down and criticism and see the girl I knew and loved. For a while, it worked. I was convinced that things weren't perfect but it was okay and we were still mostly happy. It got worse. Every day we fought. Every day, I cried and thought I was the problem. The "abusive accidents" became more frequent. I started to realize how unstable she'd become. Everything I said and did was distorted. I was sick of being broken up with but living by the same standards as if I was except now it was rubbed in my face that I wasn't loved and that I was a failure. Well, fuck you, too. We've been "broken up" for months now, so you shouldn't give a fuck that I'm finally getting out of our home because you always said you wanted to leave. I've had enough and I don't have the financial means to live here anymore.
Suddenly, a change. Suddenly, she loves me and can't bare to live without me or see me happy anywhere else. Suddenly, when I say something, she listens and walks on eggshells to try to make me not so angry. Well, you know what...try living that for almost two years. I did. I made you food because you were "incapable of doing it yourself" I cleaned up after you because you didn't want to. I filled your glasses with water or gold, whichever you preferred because I did anything I could to make you happy and moreover, not angry and abusive. I will no longer live in fear that you're going to snap on me or yourself. I will not be manipulated by your empty threats. I will do whatever the fuck I want to because I am going to start giving a fuck about me for the first time in years. I am going to be able to save my money or spend it as I wish to because I don't have to spend it on prayers for your sanity. Fuck you for being mean to the best thing that ever happened to you. I was the only person to stand by your side when you were wrong and now, you're just wrong and have no one. How does it feel to be truly alone? That's what I felt like for the past two years. I don't pity you but I don't want more fucking drama. I don't want you to sit there and cry and say woe is me. So, when you ask for a hug because you need one, I'll stomach up and give you one because maybe then, you'll leave me the fuck alone.
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