Holy Crap it's November...

So, it's November...a month that brings many things, including anxiety and turkey; two things that I do not like, but sometimes the things that go with them are quite pleasing. I enjoy mashed potatoes and gf stuffing, as well as herbal tea and ativan. So, this month can't be so bad, right?

Along with my good philosophy, I have solidified a 16 month commitment; the longest I've ever made in my life willingly, and in advance.

I am going to school in MANHATTAN!! Very exciting. My parents agreed to pay for school and even help me out with living arrangements because I'll probably only manage to work part time while going to school. I'm thrilled that it's happening but I'm anxious about making it happen. Finding a place to live is challenging and finding a job when I get there is going to suck. I'll be okay, though.

What's worse is that my temp job just ended a week and a half ago...a lot sooner than I expected and probably because I have a conscience. I told them that as of mid December, I would be going to school. I'm fairly certain that this is why when I came up in the executive meeting, it was decided that my assignment should end. Great. I probably could have let them know two weeks in advance and still had a job. Shows what being a good person means in the business world. But, what was I really expecting? Nice and business do not go together.

So, I filed for unemployment today...which I must say, I had reservations about. I do not even know if I'm eligible since I was doing "temp" work for the past 5 months-but it was 40 hours a week since June and I've been working full time since spring of 2009. So, I know I've been paying into it. Anyway, I'm glad I did it since I'm completely broke and still haven't found a job. I might get some kind of help, while I look.

I'm also lucky to have Kel cleaning up the pieces of my every day disasters!

Many things to do before moving. I have not really prepared in anyway yet...in fact, I don't really even think any of it has set in. It's more an abstract idea still and it's something that I have to attend to dramatically in the next month. When it does set in, how will my brain handle it? I suspect the need for lots of valerian and chamomile tea will be in order. I really hope I don't get sick when I try to go to school. Oh, goodness...please don't let me get sick.

More on my great anxieties later...

Kelly's birthday is on Friday!! That's happy. I hope it goes well. I wish I could do more but, I am very poor...so I will have to cook with lots of love this weekend.

I like birthdays that aren't mine....but it's coming.

Am I thinking clearly for once or have I finally really lost it?

So...I've been thinking, maybe more dangerously than before..

I want to go to school. I want to start my own massage therapy/holistic medicine business...and I want to live in New York.

I am so incredibly nervous about the idea of moving that I perpetually have a headache. I sit there and wonder if I'll be okay in "the BIG city" essentially by myself....which is another thing that is killing me. I have no interest in not waking up every morning next to mon petit oiseau. Elle est tres jolie et je s' aime. I know that she will visit me frequently and I probably will not go a week without seeing her, but even when I spend a night away at my parents' house, I can't sleep. I'm incredibly uncomfortable.
I realize this sounds like some sort of awful dependency. But, I don't know what to do. I worry that I will create problems in our "flawless relationship". We don't even fight..ever. I don't want that to change. I am very done with having screaming matches with anyone, much less the person I'm romantically involved with. Obviously, fighting goes beyond that, but I just don't want or need that kind of stress and I know she doesn't either. I mean, I know it's not like we're just going to up and change completely if I move to NYC but it will definitely be different. I'm finally healthy because I live with her. I'm in a healthy relationship, I eat incredibly healthy, and I sleep at night- yes, I'm still dealing with the hypersomnia- but, I've never been healthier in my life. I've gained 11 pounds since we started dating. I'm hovering right around 100 now. My ribs are not so scary. I could go on.
Even mentally though, despite the fact that I'm profoundly neurotic, I don't have "outside stress" very much anymore. When I come home, I come home to someone who wants to hug me, make me dinner, and play with me. I love that. It keeps a lot of my depression and anxiety at bay.
If I live in New York, I will probably have to be on medication for a little while in order to adjust...which I also hate. I know that if I can self soothe and take my herbs that I will be okay but, I don't know if during all that change and the lack of doctors around me will permit my brain to focus on breathing. The last thing I need is to wind up hospitalized because I needed to take something and I didn't....and here I am trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I'm okay and that I'm capable.....but really there's no need for that. There is no need for me to prove anything to anyone including myself. I know this. Yet, I feel the need to do it...as if maybe this will cease the chronic judging the people around me do.

I want to be happy and doing what I want to do. Not some bullshit that someone else is saying I should do.

I don't know if I'll be moving or how long I'll be there if I do. The only thing I do know is that I don't want to be stagnant.

I want to do anything and everything exciting. I want to be in a place where I don't feel crazy, not because I'm not crazy, but because comparatively, I'm not. Because, I am in place where motion never stops, because it's time to go to bed or it's time to do this, or that. I want to be able to not have a car and go anywhere I want to.

I am dwelling....and I need an opinion. I think I'm going to go to my parents' house tomorrow, ask if they will pay for school and then tell them I want to move and do they think it's crazy...I don't think that that will say that it is..or if they do, they will say, "yes, but so are you". They'll shrug and say, "are you really going to do this?" I will say, "with your support, undoubtedly".

That's some optimistic thinking for you. I will certainly post how it turns out.

Bear takes car for joyride | Metro.co.uk

Bear takes car for joyride | Metro.co.uk

[I get nervous about being nervous]

I really need to calm down. I'm constantly nervous, anxious about everything. The worst part is that because I'm aware of it, instead of relaxing, I get worried about being nervous. I just can't stop. Any soothing I do is temporary at best. Why can't I calm down?

So- overall I don't really like the new medication. It doesn't really do much good. All it really does is make me nauseous and play video games constantly.

This is not fun.

I'm at work and I'm trying to stay awake. I know, I know. I'm always trying to stay awake while in the act of [insert important activity here]. But, today, I took Benadryl at lunch because I thought my throat was going to close up completely. Now, while it's not much better, but certainly not worse, I'm thinking why did I take diphenhydramine? I'm a hypersomniac taking over the counter sleep medication in the middle of the day. Brilliant thinking. When faced with the option of not being able to breathe, or not being able to stay awake at work, I would choose not being able to breathe. They can't fire me for that.

Moreover, I hate being tired all the time and not being able to keep my eyelids open. It's incredibly frustrating that all my body wants to do is sleep. I don't want to have to take the legal medical version of speed to function regularly but nothing else seems to be working. Bleh. I need to finish some statements.

I'll give you a hug if you leave me the fuck alone: dealing with unhealthy obsession

It started out exciting. New love. New possibility. Things were fun and care free. Things became comfortable. We could do anything, or be anybody we wanted to be; things were safe.
Then, as I turned undeniably head over heels in love, things changed. Suddenly, I wasn't good enough. Suddenly, I was hung up on and thrown out, and left for the highways. Suddenly, "I'm sorry" were the only words I knew. I kept promising that I'd be better but I never really understood what it was I was doing wrong. No one else did either. In this intensive, prolonged time everyone left me. My friends wanted nothing to do with me. My family were estranged at best and I tried to block out every negative thing they said about my relationship because they just didn't understand. The truth is, I didn't understand either. I tried to look past every fight, every put down and criticism and see the girl I knew and loved. For a while, it worked. I was convinced that things weren't perfect but it was okay and we were still mostly happy. It got worse. Every day we fought. Every day, I cried and thought I was the problem. The "abusive accidents" became more frequent. I started to realize how unstable she'd become. Everything I said and did was distorted. I was sick of being broken up with but living by the same standards as if I was except now it was rubbed in my face that I wasn't loved and that I was a failure. Well, fuck you, too. We've been "broken up" for months now, so you shouldn't give a fuck that I'm finally getting out of our home because you always said you wanted to leave. I've had enough and I don't have the financial means to live here anymore.
Suddenly, a change. Suddenly, she loves me and can't bare to live without me or see me happy anywhere else. Suddenly, when I say something, she listens and walks on eggshells to try to make me not so angry. Well, you know what...try living that for almost two years. I did. I made you food because you were "incapable of doing it yourself" I cleaned up after you because you didn't want to. I filled your glasses with water or gold, whichever you preferred because I did anything I could to make you happy and moreover, not angry and abusive. I will no longer live in fear that you're going to snap on me or yourself. I will not be manipulated by your empty threats. I will do whatever the fuck I want to because I am going to start giving a fuck about me for the first time in years. I am going to be able to save my money or spend it as I wish to because I don't have to spend it on prayers for your sanity. Fuck you for being mean to the best thing that ever happened to you. I was the only person to stand by your side when you were wrong and now, you're just wrong and have no one. How does it feel to be truly alone? That's what I felt like for the past two years. I don't pity you but I don't want more fucking drama. I don't want you to sit there and cry and say woe is me. So, when you ask for a hug because you need one, I'll stomach up and give you one because maybe then, you'll leave me the fuck alone.